Eyes Right!

We are the boys who will stop your little game

We are the boys who will make you think again

So who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler

If you think old England’s done?

Drill Hall, Walmington-on-Sea.

Capt Mainwaring: Stand easy, men. I have here a piece of paper which represents the freedom of our country from foreign domination. No longer will foreign powers tell us what to do. This is a modern Magna Carta, supported by the Mother of Parliaments in the greatest country the world has ever known. Wilson! Will you pay attention… We have beaten the Hun without a shot being fired. From this day on England will be home to Englishmen and only Englishmen.  No swarthy types. No funny languages. No foreign muck to eat. Just good Christian people toiling together in factory and field. And a great many of them called Nigel.

Private Frazer: I’m not called Nigel. What aboot the Scots, eh?

Cpt M: I’m sorry, Frazer. You’re classed as an immigrant. And to be fair, you do speak a funny language and eat foreign muck.

Pte F: Foreign? That’s genuine Scottish haggis, man, made with the entrails and offal of real British blackface sheep.

Cpt M: Blackface, you see? I’m sorry but these are desperate days and there is no place for primitive Pictish types or foreign sheep breeds. Only pure bred English.

Pte Godfrey: I’m not sure but I think my aunt’s cousin was from Wales. Does that count?

Pte Walker, drags on fag: I can get a birth certificate altered for you. Got a mate in the Post Office. He can smudge a postal order to make it look like a zero’s been added.

Cpt M: Never mind that now. And Walker. Put out that cigarette. This represents peace in our time and freedom for our people. We are taking back control. And we’re doing it as Dame Vera celebrates her 100th birthday to remind us of our greatest hour.

Pte W: Our greatest hour? Do you mean Worker’s Playtime on the Home Service? Breaks me up that does.

Sgt Wilson: Yeees. I love it when they play Mantovani string numbers. Sooo romantic.

Pte Pike: Is that why you and mum go into the bedroom to listen to it?

Cpt M: Enough. I need a patrol of our bravest men to take this letter across enemy lines and present it to their leader. It makes clear we don’t want their goods, their money, or their directives. Well, we do in fact, it’s  just that we don’t want to pay for it and would rather not get a row from their courts for breaking the rules.

Lance Cpl Jones: I’ll show the fuzzy wuzzies, sir. Just point me in the right direction. Won’t give us a trade, deal, Fritz? Take that. And that. I’d force them to eat our scones and fruit preserves til it’s coming out of their ears. And I’d  stop the Germans from seeing our Royal Family on telly.

Cpt M: the Queen IS German, Jones.

L/C Jones: Well her husband isn’t.

Company: No! He’s Greek!

Cpt M: We’re going back to being an island nation, surrounded by sea, this sceptered isle. We will defend ourselves against all foreign invasion.

Pte Godfrey: Oh, I’m afraid I get sea sick, sir. I feel queasy listening to the Navy Lark.

Cpt M: Well, we’re on our own now. We’ll find a trade route from Kent through the North West Passage and import tea through the Suez Canal. Prepare for a generation of poverty and isolation, men. I’ve arranged for us to be entertained at weekends by Miss Katie Hopkins. This will be a long war but there can be only on winner. Smaller, poorer, unhappier and xenophobic maybe, but we will be free. Bayonets fixed! Wait til you see the whites of their eyes. Onwards to Brexit, men. Charge!









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31 thoughts on “Eyes Right!

  1. graeme davidson

    Think there will be lot’s of don’t panic moments soon 🙂

  2. If only this was fiction, Derek !

  3. Who wrote this insult to our glorious leader? Your name will go on the list. What is it?

    “Don’t tell him, Bateman!”

  4. We’re waiting. Take your time. Whenever you’re ready. No rush. There’s plenty of time. Dinnae fash yersel. It’s alright. We’re used to you now. This is just you being you. Don’t worry. No sweat. Ok, it won’t be today, I think we know that. Tomorrow, maybe? Could be? Look forward to it. Ba-aye.

  5. Derek, I look forward to the broadcast!

    • Alasdair Macdonald.

      If it were broadcast, there are 59 MSPs who would be raptly attentive, cheering and wiping away tears of emotion.

      While I found the article very funny, the problem with satire is that often the people being satirised applaud the piece because they think it encapsulates their worldview.

      “I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogie …..’ etc.

  6. This green and pleasant land this England with strains of rule Britannia in the background , its all about us and dont you forget it jocks , now is the time for you to sit in your corner and watch our TV programmes , it makes no difference if a jock happened to invent it , its now ours , and dont be bloody silly you jocks are not a nation your an irritation give us a few more years and we will assimilate you totally , and shut that bloody eyesore of a pretend parliament down , its for your own good as Ruth told you the other day .

  7. Can I have some of whatever you ingested???

  8. dennis mclaughlin

    Borg Queen Mayhem “Resistance is Futile”, you CyberNats will be assimilated!.

  9. Excellent…I could visualise the characters! You might have a future in the old ‘writing’ game Derek! 😊

  10. Breaks My Scottish Heart .. fkd over at every turn, again, again and again, that Scottish Labour, Scottish Conservites, Scottish Libdems bring nothing to the table for the Scottish people other then A Fucking Westminster Right Winged Unelected Tory Government to Mind Fuck A Nation Again, again and again for generations to come. But My Scottish Will Is Now Even Stronger, I’m Off My Fkg Knees, Now watch me stand and not be afraid .. I am soverign, as my country still stands as a nation of people who believe in self detemination, i will not cowar from the fear mongers, i see right through their pish and manipulation from the well established FAKE MSM .. MY Message is this .. INDEPENDENCE IS COMING, NOT EVEN SATAN HIMSELF is going to stop it !

  11. Steve Asaneilean


    On a slight aside why when the UK wants to take itself out if the EU it’s called “leaving” but when the Scottish Government expresses a desire to come out it the UK union it’s called “breaking up”?

    Just curious because the BBC’s political editor was saying just that recently…

    • Alasdair Macdonald.

      It’s called ‘political correctness’, Mr Asaneilean. It is a way of framing the debate – ‘bedroom tax/spare room subsidy’.

      I am sure that within the BBC journalists manual they have a list of different terms for the same thing – one positive and the other disparaging.

    • Because the reality is that whilst the EU will still exist after the UK leaves the UK is the union of the parliaments of two formerly independent kingdoms. If one of those ends the treaty that joined the two then that union is broken. It’s actually a surprising lapse into honesty on the part of whichever BBC bod said that. The standard unionist line is that whatever Westminster governs is by definition the UK and an independent Scotland would have absolutely no part in any treaties entered into by it post independence. Would owe a part of the national debt but not in any assets though/.

      • Steve Asaneilean

        I know that the BBC person was probably betraying their own prejudices in their choice of words and, as Alasdair says, it’s a deliberate attempt to frame the debate.

        But I thought the current Union included Northern Ireland so if Scotland leaves there will still be a Union – just as when the majority of Ireland left.

        So we would not be “breaking up” we would just he “leaving”. After all the UK is currently part of the European Union – when it leaves, as it now must, no-one could say it was “breaking up” the EU.

    • I imagine because the EU will continue to exist after the UK leaves, but the UK will be no more once Scotland breaks away. 😆

  12. Mr Bateman, it’s a good article, but you overlooked the fact that Walker’s mate in the Post Office is unlikely to exist, on account of the Post office you mention being privatized, local branches shut down, the company flogged to some Tory supporters in the City for a pittance, the taxpayer saddled with the debts, and the profits stashed away in some offshore account in the Cayman islands.

  13. Empire 2.0

  14. The UK started to “break up” in 1916 in Dublin, the capital of Ireland.
    Just 100 years on, the next phase in that historical event is starting to happen again. This time Scotland is making preparations to leave. The Scottish Parliament has just voted to hold another referendum.
    The final gasp of Empire1 is starting.
    Talk about “leaving” , the finance houses in London are making plans to move some ops to the Continent and the EU , the 27 are starting to lay out their positions in Westminxit.
    Whaur’s yer bargaining poseeshun noo, May, hen?

  15. I agree with a previous comment ” if only it was fiction ” . The worrying thing just now is our news of events in Europe is being filtered as usual by the media led of Course by our very own BBC , nothing will be available to the general public that isn’t approved by Mayhems regime , and certainly nothing that even hints at support for Scotlands right to self determination , our whole perception of European attitudes to our requirement of not being forced out of the EU , is and will be buried .
    I myself voted out but have to accept the views of the majority to stay , That is not a problem for me What is a real problem is an Unelected English PM telling the people here they CANT thats where the problem lies our ability to choose if we cant choose then exactly what is this union for ? , it looks like it certainly is not benefiting people north of the border . Free choice is being denied to a whole country . Even those who support this union cant deny this is a basic right over and above any union .If they dont agree then it must follow they dont recognize scotland as a country , just as the unelected Tory list MSP the other day said she dosnt recognize the scottish parliament’s legitimacy , if thats your view dear you can be replaced , by who by us remember the voting public .

  16. Given what’s happened today (sun) re Gibraltar and sending in the warships….This is closer to the mark than intended ……..

    • Yes, you could not make it up. Gibralter is a colony. UK put of EU means old certainties’ are over. UK now on the outside, no veto, yet the EU and it’s member states do. Only veto No 10 has is to walk away with nout.
      Read the Royals going on charm offensive as “soft” power, a term the msm use to paper over cracks. on the Continent.
      Spain has used May’s omission of Gibraltar as a way to have the issue raised. I suppose Gibraltar is a colony, so not part of the UK, so the Spanish are right to seek a negotiated stand point over any future “deal”.
      How will the yoons.at Holyrood react to the Spanish veto noo?

  17. Superb Derek. 😀 LOL

    Five days and UK gov have already threatened the EU in general and are making militaristic noises toward Spain. Awesome start to Brexit so far.

    Not sure either are terribly impressed with the negotiating style of UK gov so far. Just a feeling like.


    Yoons have had a pretty torrid weekend to be sure. Spookily the only folk who don’t appear to have mentioned Gibraltar in the past few days have been the Spanish themselves.

    The EU’s reply to May’s letter was measured, pointed and legally the required response on all fronts. Of course they were required to mention a UK sovereign territory right off the coast of the continent and the other party who had any kind of disputed claim.

    May’s excuse for not including specific mention of Gibraltar in her own missive? According to soundbite meeja, it was simply taken for granted that the Gib was not up for discussion. Which is kinda, y’know, scary that they considered a disputed piece of med geography wouldn’t be included in negotiatons about exiting the EU.

    Professionalism and statesmanship apparently not taught at Eton anymore… (cough).

    I mean they’re willing to negotiate using asset rich Scottish territorial waters and went to great pains to say exactly that in their Brexit white paper. So why not some other chunk of real estate?

    On the Gib though. Whether the poor folk living there like it or not they are and will be used as pawns in international politics. They are being used exactly as such right now by both sides and will continue to be used by one side or the other as suits the required pressure which needs to be applied. I can only say to them, welcome to our world and no you never get used to it.

    They are (near as anyone can see) about to lose their EU status and if it suits the EU members or UK gov, their votes will NOT be taken into consideration. They may get lucky and get some sort of preferential status. In fact I hope they do for purely selfish reasons of my own. How and ever, be prepared for their world to change and probably not in a good way. At the very least I’d say Gibraltar will enjoy the unenviable status of being the unpopular and uninvited neighbour in the med. At the very least.

    As for expats the length and breadth of Spain and Italy? Watched a report this morning, where apparently already attitudes have begun to change toward the UKs silver surfers and also not in a good way. Watched a sniffy UK solicitor (who helps retirees relocate to their sun kissed villa of choice), being interviewed on the Beeb. She was extremely offended that the Italians have begun referring to such expats as immigrants and the term used is apparently more commonly associated with refugees.

    Oh the horror!

    I suspect that the exact repercussions of Brexit means Brexit and out means out, are suddenly beginning to dawn on some folks at this point.

  18. Remember the dirty which accompanied “Dad’s Army” only referred to Old England being done.
    Not GB, UK or even the imperial nations!!
    Just England.

  19. Well, the Ukippers were delirious when Article 50 was invoked but I have heard with utter disbelief that Farage accuses the EU of being mafia, ruled out of order, so he changed it to gangsters, because the EU were setting the UK impossible demands on Brexit!
    You could not make it up!
    It is simply, we want , you deliver or else.

  20. Cadogan Enright

    Derek, you are going to have to get off the fence on bbc Scotland

    It’s not possible to continue pretending there is no problem

    • Robert Graham

      As seen with the latest selective editing of Nicola Sturgeons US trip and replies to questions from BBC Scotland and their use of the Tory mantra ‘ day job ‘ like a bloody demented Parrot , It seems a whole Nation is being systematically lied to and deceived on a truly industrial scale , it’s like some kind of parallel universe where we have to search for the truth because the media are pushing a totally false agenda.

      • Ah, the Cabinet Office! Of course, indy is the biggest threat to Blighty, so media gets monitored…and directed! BBC no exception.

  21. “Who do you think you are kidding Mrs. May

    If you think Old England’s OK?

    We are the boys who will stop your little game

    We are the ones who will make you think again

    So who do you think you are kidding Mrs. May

    If you think that Scotland’s done?”

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