New Referendum Plans

I hear the government’s war planning for indyref2 has come up with some new ideas.

Voting will take place during the Glasgow Fairs fortnight on a Sunday between 7 and 7.30 am.

Voters will be required to provide a current income tax statement. Higher-rate payers will qualify for two votes.

All those in receipt of state benefits will be permitted to mark a ballot paper with a cross and must hand it to the to the polling staff to have it torn up in front of them and dropped into a basket.

Jimmy Shand records will played while voters wait their turn. Any sign of foot tapping will lead to disqualification.

Anyone admitting they voted Yes last time will be told their original vote still counts in the new referendum.

The question will be tweaked to read: Do you want to rip Scotland out of civilisation to become a broken down, mendicant nonentity and eat seaweed until rising sea levels drown you in oil-polluted waters?

Answer A: I would rather wash Murdo Fraser’s underpants. Count me out. Twice.

Answer B: As I’m suffering from a mental illness I have given it a nanosecond of thought but still decided against.

The Electoral Commission will insist that all organisations registering to campaign must attend a mandatory sherry evening with Jill Stephenson, Archie MacPherson and Tom Gallagher.

Polling stations will be policed by the Gallowgate Loyal Bears to ensure good order with Orange Order customer care consultants on hand with advice.

As this is a significant constitutional issue a voting threshold will be deemed appropriate. The government believes the case of Eritrea is relevant. It voted to become independent of Ethiopia in 1993 with 99.8 per cent of the vote. This should be the model followed.

Although the ballot itself will be secret, papers will be given ultra violet scans and the names and addresses of Yes voters published in the Daily Record who will put posters of Jim Murphy through their door.

There will be nightly broadcasts of Gordon Brown in place of Reporting Scotland throughout the campaign.

Confident of success, the government is planning a national celebration including a new Mount Rushmore-style monument to famous Scots – those selected so far John Barrowman, Neil Oliver and Susan Calman – whose profiles will be carved into Salisbury Crags.

(That enough for now. I’ve just realised some of this might come true)

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25 thoughts on “New Referendum Plans

  1. The future. Can’t wait for #indyref3 now.

  2. Eh….I’m not sure if this is a spoof or not…..

  3. If they thought for one minute they could get away with it……

  4. Anyone tapping their feet to Jimmy Shand would be elderly “Proud Scot” No voters. Disqualified? They’d be given an extra vote.

  5. Do I detect that we might actually share some cynicism in relation to the Electoral Commission?

  6. I hope Barrowman doesn’t read this, and get ideas.

  7. Oh Christ hes had a long lunch , and a fair intake of good wine by the sound of it Ha Ha , oh well we all need a bit of relief every now and again it’s said to keep you sane , lets face it ,life in the asylum thats called the U.K. its surprising most of us arent pissed on a daily basis just as a relieve from the bloody monotonous drivel we are bombarded with every day a total Alice in Wonderland existence when everything is upside down and back to front ,
    Normal Service will be resumed as soon as possible, if only eh.
    Normal Service will only be resumed if we all get off our Arses and make it happen it isnt going to be offered to us it has to be taken it wont be given willingly .
    End of rant , and sober up Derek .

  8. ” I only ask stupid questions to provoke thought”, mused a rather ill-informed client once. And so posing stupid polling ideas may just provoke thought in those who place trust in the institutions of Her Majesty.

    Not so silly article Derek, HM Government will do whatever it takes to win. No scruples.

    For IndyRef2 it does appear that Project fear weaponry will be in the hands of the Yes campaign.

    Here’s a starter for the good Tory voting folk of South Ayrshire: Ayrshire sits on a bed of coal, and thus methane gas. So Brexit will most likely bring for you fracking of methane gas in a location near you.

    So what is fracking? Well, the contractor pumps water doped with chemicals, down a pipe into the ground under pressure. What chemicals? And what goes down must come back up surely?. It is acknowledged that the chemicals that emerge back into the atmosphere are not classified, but the birth abnormalities and cancers in the USA are on record. The chemicals pumped down the pipe aren’t contained within the pipe, they are forced into the rock structure causing fracking, fracture if you like. And then there is potential water table contamination to consider; then disposal of the waste return fluids, with the aforementioned gases.

    Fracking? Fracture? How close will the equipment be to buildings? – “We go where the fish are”- What about my house foundations? Our golf Clubhouse? Will fracking be noisy? Smelly? Surely the government cannot commandeer the grounds of our clubhouse?

    Check it out folks. following Brexit and the “special relationship” with the USA, USA fracking expertise and contractors will arrive in the UK.

    Or maybe just in England. Your choice.

  9. The old ones are the best.
    ‘What’s the first sign of madness?
    Hairs growing on the palms of your hand.
    What’s the second sign?
    Looking for them.’
    Derek, as a self proclaimed ‘old one’, you are one of the best.
    Your brief (hopefully) sortie into the Twilight Zone innocently describes in hyperbole the Unionist mindset.
    ‘Scotland voted to remain in the UK in’14, the UK voted to leave the EU in’16, so tough.’
    This will be the central platform of BBC QT’s sortie into the lions’ den next Thursday, when Bullingdon Boy Dumbledor brings his heavily armed caravan North into the Forbidden Zones.
    Once the date of Indyref 2 is announced, all hell will break loose.
    Politically that is,
    The undeserving poor, tartan Tories in kilts, the Great Unwashed Sweaties, will be subject to a merciless onslaught by US owned ‘Scottish newspapers’, and the might of the Establishment’s Propaganda Wing will reach warp speed.
    I have no doubt at all that it will be all out war, where the Unionists will not give a feck if we know that they are bare-faced lying through their teeth. We will be showered with ‘stuff’ every hour, every day, every week, in the hope that pro Independence arguments are stifled as the Yes Movement attempt to refute the lies and exaggerations of the Project Fear mob.
    We have early signs of this nonsense.
    England will cease to trade with us.
    The EU won’t let us stay. and so on.
    This time we get our retaliation in first.
    The Health and Social Care Act (England) 2012, closed the National Health Service in England for good. Yet QT last night spent 20 minutes discussing an NHS that doesn’t exist, to a Devon audience who clearly believes that it does, and were assured by Dimbleby’s prog, at least is doing only as badly as the Scottish NHS.
    Kezia Dugdale accuses us of ‘gloating’ at the state of Health Down There.
    We are not gloating, Dugdale, we are illustrating the lies in your ‘Stronger Together’ mince.
    Who’s for a Strip the Willow?
    It’ s giro day!
    Tittered, albeit nervously, Derek.

    • Just out of curiosity, as my black pudding slowly grills, I popped online. The Herald Scotland, owned by a US based Big Beast Newsquest headlines today:-
      “Nursing Body predicts cuts will cause NHS Care crisis!”
      (That would be Frank the Pieman’s Tony Blair New Labour Administration doing the ‘savings’. Blocks out the disaster happening Down South to our Better Together ‘equal partners’. We don’t need to bother about the News taht’s happening there. It is not the same news tha’s happening here.)
      “Top European Official Adds to Doubts over Sturgeon’s Brexit Plan.’
      ‘Top’ official, mind. ‘Sturgeon’s Brexit Plan. Nobody else’s plan. Just that wee bassa Sturgeon’s.)
      Video: Michelle Mone breaks silence over £1M fake tan firm that’s worth £25k.’
      (Any excuse for this former ‘quality paper’ to show off Ms Mone’s considerable talents, plus a couple of lassies in bikinis. ‘Breaks wind’, rather than ‘breaks silence’. I smell the usual shite. Does this ladies underwear peddler have a ‘special relationship’ with someone on HS payroll? Or is she just bums and tits clickbait, and a Scotland hater?)
      ‘Crown drops case against SNP donor accused of assault.’
      (‘Drops case’, not ‘no case to answer.’ No smoke without fire’ logic.)
      And making number 7 on their most read list:-
      ‘Student filmed burning £20 note in front of homeless person is not ‘direct’ relation of Nicola Sturgeon, says Government.’
      ( ‘Direct’ in parenthesis. So therefore ‘indirect’ relation? No he’s not, He’s a member of the Cambridge Uiversity Conservative Association, a posh Tory Boy. One of Ruth’s lot.
      It is not only the ‘Government’ which ‘says.’ he#s not remotely related to the Sturge. It’s the rest of us. Malicious wee attack on this lady yet again.)
      Black pudding ready! Keep taking to the tablet, Derek.

    • and as if by magic, check out WoS today, dear readers.
      It’s war.

  10. The de’il maks work for idle hands, richt enough.
    This from the 2 3/4 minutes ‘Scottish’ News where we are wedged into BBC Breakfast’s 3 1/4 hours of English hegemony today.
    “Labour claim the Education Secretary kept EU students in the dark about their funding so that he could make an announcement at the SNP’s Autumn Conference.
    EU students who enrolled for the 2017-2018 academic year will have their fees paid even after Brexit.
    Labour say John Swinney twice rejected the idea of an earlier announcement.
    The Scottish Government said it is entirely routine to ensure that those most affected by the policy have the most chance of becoming aware of it.’

    Presumably this piece of pointless bitchiness in the first part of this ‘news’ item was written by either Ex Daily Mail Editor, and now Kezia’s Communications Director, Alan Roden, or perhaps, ex schoolmaster and sub sandwich dodger Iain Gray?
    That would be the anonymous ‘Labour’ referred to twice in this piece of nonsense.
    BBC Pacific Quay, conduit for any rubbish the Unionists, particularly the Labour dying flies come up with?
    The REAL News, the fantastic news, is despite Brexit, despite Ruth Davidson banning EU students from English Universities, we Scots will continue with our excellent international Education policy, and reap the rich rewards that it brings.
    Who at Pacific Quay decided to release this crap as news?
    Off now, for a while, promise.
    The black puddin’ was delicious, although, ‘Labour’ may ‘claim’ otherwise.

  11. I believe it was Armando Iannucci, of “The Thick Of It” fame, who said recently that it would be practically impossible for him to do another series because what the Westminster Government were doing now far exceeded the bounds of what people would was possible. But just maybe with your article Derek, you could have given him a few ideas. I certainly would be a lot funnier than some of the present day “sit coms”.On the other hand, as Jack has pointed out, the forthcoming Indyref2 campaign is going to be the dirtiest ever seen in the U.K, as Westminster is absolutely determined to hold Scotland, and its people fast, because with the looming disaster of Brexit, it needs the wealth of our country more than ever.

  12. Alex, we’re too big, too rich, too clever to be ‘let go’.
    Mundell and Co., actually believe that England has the final say on whether we can be ‘let go’, as though. like Mary Queen of Scots, we are locked in a metaphorical tower, subject to the whim of our English Overlords.
    The sense of tremendous pleasure which I shall experience when we won’t have to listen to this raggedy band of not very bright Union hirelings any more come Independence, will be up there with Blair Millar’s late winner for Clydebank against Queen’s Park in a Cup game on a bleak and dark November night in a hauntingly empty Hampden Park many many years ago, in a galaxy far far away.
    As I have observed before, there are only so many ‘visiting professorships’, PR Consultancy gigs, and Advertising Space sales jobs at the Findo Gask Trumpeter available.
    What is a boy to do?

  13. Such a fine writer of fiction – and what’s this I hear about a Lego Bateman movie?

  14. Ah the Jimi Shand Experience, memories memories…

  15. I enjoy your articles.Could I have your permission to quote some of your phrases when debating with people?

  16. O/T if you want to see whats in store for independence supporters it the run up to the inevitable next referendum have a look at the outpouring of hatred and bile from those who would violently oppose independence and these supporters of Scotland in Union , these people quite openly advocate extreme views and violence to get their way, as they havent been condemned by Ruth i wonder if they are acting as Proxies in her wee resistance army .
    The bile can be read on Wings over Scotland , i suggest you wash afterwards , just as a precaution .

  17. Ayup. The more (cough) devoted of the unionist voting demographic are a wee bitty shrill right now.

    There are truly mental unionists actually discussing the binning of democracy and democratic rights out there. Abolishing Holyrood, raising the bar on constitutional change by enforcing a 60% threshold on any ballot and of course as we’ve seen from a certain boneheaded online petition, removing EU residents right to vote.

    THAT is fear. No question.

    Those are apparently the voices of people not confident of their argument and you have to wonder why that would be? The triumphalism they displayed at your pain two years ago seemingly somewhat subdued today and again, why would that be?

    Surely they must consider the VOW they sold the Scottish electorate delivered? Surely they must be delighted with the broad shouldered pooling and sharing enjoyed by the Scottish electorate over the past two and a bit years? You’d think they’d be over the moon that they got the government and PMs of their dreams entrenched in Westminster and it looks as if they’ll be there for a good while with that majority they carry in England. Oh and let’s not forget how they won ‘their’ sovereignty back from those interfering furriners and saw them off. Y’know, the sovereignty they never really lost, that one.

    Their media and narrative on all things Scottish dominates both the printed sheet and airwaves. Scottish representation is daily punished and humiliated as per standing orders. Keeps them in their place donchaknow?

    So why the fear? Unless…

    Unless they feel they’ve built a house of cards on a foundation of sand. Unless they feel in their heart of hearts that they have mistreated the electorate of Scotland, that they may have been a smidge dishonest? A tad too previous in believing their own hype? Unless they are worried there is a high tide coming in and some pretty stormy winds.

    Could it be that after two years and what, five months of better togetherness? People aren’t exactly delighted with the UK, its politics or the disturbing turn taken by its wider society?

    All you can say for certain, is that the confidence and sheer arrogance they displayed when they had a near 25-27 point lead in 2011. The naked vindictive triumphalism they displayed on September 19th, 2014 and near every day since, has been replaced with something else entirely.

    Mibbies they really should have kept a promise or two and maybe, just maybe, instead of attempting to alienate and punish those who supported Scottish self determination, they should have attempted to build a few bridges.

    In my experience folk don’t like to be taken advantage of, sold a false bill of goods as it were. People also don’t tend to respond well to alienation and intimidation.

    So. Guilty conscience or simply afraid the other the shoe is going to drop on them from a great height?

    Probably both.

    • a wider audience would in my opinion ,would benefit and learn from your posts well said , a missed opportunity by the PM at the time Cameron , The current one is a lost cause she has to show whos boss so will make even more mistakes than cameron .

  18. I prefer Jimmy Blue, the provost of Forgandenny

  19. Looks like this thread has run it course Derek , next one please your public are restless ha ha .
    Anyway in the meantime can i suggest just for its Entertainment value alone , check out the Donalds man Sebastian Gorka and his many encounters with BBC presenters , this guy is total Theater a sight to behold I have never seen so many BBC presenters Brillo nut Neil included having their Arses handed to them , this guy wipes the floor with all of them , The SNP should take note of the tactics used and employ them in their interaction with our BBC Scotland .
    Derek i know it might be painfull for you a ex BBC Scotland Employee but have a look anyway .

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