I hear the government’s war planning for indyref2 has come up with some new ideas.
Voting will take place during the Glasgow Fairs fortnight on a Sunday between 7 and 7.30 am.
Voters will be required to provide a current income tax statement. Higher-rate payers will qualify for two votes.
All those in receipt of state benefits will be permitted to mark a ballot paper with a cross and must hand it to the to the polling staff to have it torn up in front of them and dropped into a basket.
Jimmy Shand records will played while voters wait their turn. Any sign of foot tapping will lead to disqualification.
Anyone admitting they voted Yes last time will be told their original vote still counts in the new referendum.
The question will be tweaked to read: Do you want to rip Scotland out of civilisation to become a broken down, mendicant nonentity and eat seaweed until rising sea levels drown you in oil-polluted waters?
Answer A: I would rather wash Murdo Fraser’s underpants. Count me out. Twice.
Answer B: As I’m suffering from a mental illness I have given it a nanosecond of thought but still decided against.
The Electoral Commission will insist that all organisations registering to campaign must attend a mandatory sherry evening with Jill Stephenson, Archie MacPherson and Tom Gallagher.
Polling stations will be policed by the Gallowgate Loyal Bears to ensure good order with Orange Order customer care consultants on hand with advice.
As this is a significant constitutional issue a voting threshold will be deemed appropriate. The government believes the case of Eritrea is relevant. It voted to become independent of Ethiopia in 1993 with 99.8 per cent of the vote. This should be the model followed.
Although the ballot itself will be secret, papers will be given ultra violet scans and the names and addresses of Yes voters published in the Daily Record who will put posters of Jim Murphy through their door.
There will be nightly broadcasts of Gordon Brown in place of Reporting Scotland throughout the campaign.
Confident of success, the government is planning a national celebration including a new Mount Rushmore-style monument to famous Scots – those selected so far John Barrowman, Neil Oliver and Susan Calman – whose profiles will be carved into Salisbury Crags.
(That enough for now. I’ve just realised some of this might come true)by