Dear Rupert

(This is how stupid they think we are. Amid the slurry of effluent arriving via email and Twitter after my recent rant was this oh-so-clever wind-up. So clever that the author enjoyed his joke too much and blew it. He (and I have his email address)  forgets I have form in this genre myself having made my very first blog an elaborate hoax about spying inside the BBC for Alex Salmond. My satire on being hired by the Daily Mail as a columnist made the Media Page in the Guardian. So, eat dirt, Rupert. You’re an amateur. Worth reprinting though to give the Yessers a laugh at your expense)


I love Scotland – Lived here for twelve years – great quality of life – kids went to great ( and affordable) schools in Edinburgh – before Cambridge (only slightly pissing me off as an Oxford chap).

Wife ‘does something in the Arts’. We have lots of likeminded friends in universities , banking, civil service etc. – we all love it here -great houses for the money – even in Edinburgh – though it kind of leaves most of stuck here, given London prices. And a lovely little Heilan Hame for the weekend and half-term.

I enjoy reading your copy Derek – better written than most of the native stuff – same chip though – usually worn lightly on just one shoulder. But this piece? What were you drinking ? – hope it was some of the whisky that keeps me and my chums’ share earnings up – we run that too.

If it weren’t for the likes of me and my mates up here – it would all grind to a halt. Most of the Alasdair and Fraser types here rub along with us well enough – they like to think of themselves as honorary Englishmen (and why disabuse them of that conceit?) – but Christ – you couldn’t let them work unsupervised.

As for the Glaswegians – and the rest of the wasted West – well let’s just say they keep professionals like me and my doctor and lawyer chums gainfully occupied.

Let’s just clarify matters. We run the universities, the government (whatever Nicola thinks), the banks, the arts, galleries, museums, hospitals, businesses (what’s left of them), the law (at least the important bits of it). We own the nicest (but mostly economically unproductive) bits of your lovely country – and of course we have, and always have done – run the country itself – or at least our chaps in London do. Oh- and of course – the indispensable BBC – but you know that better than most.

You had a chance to ‘change’ it (but don’t imagine an ‘Independent’ Scotland would have been independent – we’d still be running things).

But you blew it – granted with a little – ok a lot – of help from me and my friends – but in the end, when it gets down to it – you didn’t have the guts. Or somewhere in the depths of your souls – underneath the braggadocio, the maudlin sentimentality, and the whisky – you really, truly , and irrevocably knew you couldn’t hack it. And even if you had squeaked through – well, we’d still have been here running things. Did I mention – we’ve no where to go? But it did help that you kindly let us vote – us and whole heap of second home owners with better places down south. We also ran the referendum – and that helped too.

We are not going away. We are civilising missionaries bringing enlightenment to a backward – and often lovable -if ungrateful tribe.

You know deep in your hearts you need us – even if only to have someone to hate.

As I said – I love Scotland – we all do, me and my mates – and we will always be here for you.

Toodle Pip.

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17 thoughts on “Dear Rupert

  1. Hilarious! Rupert’s right. We have to let ‘him and his’ have a vote vote, but we didn’t persuade him and probably never will.

  2. Overdid the condescension. 3 out of 10.

  3. Au Contraire Barronessamedi (and Derek)

    I DID vote YES – and indeed, I am a member of the SNP – most of my long adult life.

    What got me going was this:

    “That’s our country and that’s our people. And to those who make the claim that one possibility is excluding non-Scots from voting – in order to exclude English incomers more likely to vote No – I say that’s going backwards.”

    Having worked in Universities throughout that time I can tell you that they, and all those institutions and more mentioned in my previous post – are a Trojan Horse for those who wish to keep us British.

    It’s not just their numbers – or even their numbers. It’s the disproportionate influence they have on the life of this country – and the means they have of preventing our national liberation.

    It wasn’t meant to be ‘clever’ Derek – it was meant -as all satire is – to be true – by being obviously overstated.

    I was sorry you didn’t publish it at the time – but you honour me now – and give it even more prominence than I could have hoped for.

    So did I ‘blow it’ ? – and yes you do have an e-mail address – but who the hell is Bruce?

    • Incidentally, the ‘overstatement’ consists only in juxtaposition. I have heard every single element of Rupert’s statement spoken by colleagues, friends or acquaintances, mainly over the period of IndyRef.

    • Whizz! Bang!! Whacko!!! Brilliant wheeze…you fooled us all. Or did you? The team here tell me they knew it was from a Yesser but pretended otherwise to elicit a response. Aha!! Gotcha…! (If you’ve any more, by the way, please try wings Over Scotland)

      • Derek,

        It wasn’t meant to fool anyone – it was meant to entertain – and doing so state some kinds of truths – and it apparently fooled very few – which is fine.

        I usually post under my own name – but believe me – that would not have worked in this case!

        I think the real truth is complex and nothing like as glib as “Rupert’s ” bollocks – but the sentiments I was trying to express were expressed so much better by that great Edinburgh man James Connolly in respect of Ireland:

        “If you remove the English army tomorrow and hoist the green flag over Dublin Castle, unless you set about the organization of the Socialist Republic your efforts would be in vain. England would still rule you. She would rule you through her capitalists, through her landlords, through her financiers, through the whole array of commercial and individualist institutions she has planted in this country and watered with the tears of our mothers and the blood of our martyrs.”

        National salvation is in the hands of every member of the nation (whether by birth or assimilation). We cannot leave it to others.

        Aye for Scotland

  4. Och, be fair Derek, it’s a good un.

    To me that’s as obvious a spoof as your first post about spying in the BBC and the one about writing for the Mail. Both of which seemed to fool a few people, but their humour lay in the realisation that they were satire and the light they shone on what was being satirised.

    I like it, it gave me a good wee smile ,and kudos to “Rupert”, whoever he is. Thanks for publishing it.

  5. The double bluff and bluster. ‘Plain speaking’ a la Farage.
    I’m with you, Derek. Must try harder.

  6. English mutton dressed as lamb, I’ve encountered many during my sojourns as overseer of them, sniff. And found many good stout English friends too.

    Ye see thon birkie ca’d “a lord”, wha struts an’ stares an’ a’ that. – we have them too.

  7. Oh come on Derek – isn’t it fairly obviously satire?. Probably a supporter. Remember this piece of genius from 2014?

  8. There’s an element of truth in there: “our chaps in London” do run the show. As do the moneybags, the Public School/Oxbridge graduates, the Establishment. Nothing funny about that.

  9. Oh Jeez! 😀 LOL

  10. Satire or no, still pretty much bang on.

  11. Cannot access


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