From Our Own Correspondent

Good afternoon. You join me here in the blasted wastes of the remote Northern territory of Unthink, a place so doggedly one-dimensional that it is being studied by research teams and think tanks from twenty countries.

The people of Unthink have lost the power of individual thought and can only act collectively, following each other sheep-like in herds, their mouths hanging open and their eyes blank.

Unthinkers have, it seems, lost control of their personal faculties under the brain-washing of a powerful tribal sect that has captured their government.

‘We’ve haven’t seen anything like this in any other modern society’, said Rob McAlbyn, Professor of Neurological Existentialism at Common Place University. ‘North Korea gets close but then they don’t have any political choices available to them. In Unthink people can actually select a different option for one of their votes but choose not to do so.’

That part is true. All the evidence is that in Unthink one party dominates the voting and some academics think that may be because it’s very popular. ‘It’s the only explanation we can think of,’ said one researcher. ‘We really haven’t come across this phenomenon before. Normally people rely on being told by experts what to think and get confused by media reporting. Here they just get on with it and that threatens the jobs of academics and journalists.’

Particularly frustrated are a newly emerging minor tribe, the RISEN, who are trying to prod the Unthinkers into life by offering them radical new ideas. So far hardly anyone has heard of them and those who have complain of bitter in-fighting and internecine conflict in which some members are expelled and tribal laws are overturned without a vote. They are also often overshadowed by yet another tiny but noisy group who drown them out with beating drums and an ominous repetitive chant of ‘Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.’

Recently discovered papyrus documents known as the Panelbase Scrolls show that since ancient times the people of Unthink have roundly rejected the ideas of RISEN and are suspicious that they are using them to leapfrog to prominence.

The result is that Unthink will again cast all its votes for the same leaders for no better reason than they like their policies and trust them to get on with the job. ‘This is the real tragedy,’ said the professor. ‘Just because they want them in power, they refuse to be deflected from their chosen course instead of thinking it through carefully and then agreeing with me.’ Asked if Unthink wouldn’t judge that he himself was being ‘unthinking’ in patronising the citizens by suggesting they couldn’t think for themselves, he said: “That hadn’t occurred to me.’

Next week I’ll be reporting from the intellectually frozen bogland of the long-forgotten and fast-disappearing Tory tribe. Join me then.

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21 thoughts on “From Our Own Correspondent

  1. Very good Derek & a fine antidote to ‘the one-party state’ dross. Keep up the good work

  2. I’m just waiting for the first “You can put an SNP rosette on a monkey and people will vote for it” comments.

    Can’t be long now…

    • “I’m just waiting for the first “You can put an SNP rosette on a monkey and people will vote for it” comments.”
      Now why would that be? Is theSNP morphing into SLAB? I hear in North Lanarkshire the term “McMafia” has an allusive context that might validate your fears,

  3. Heh, they are in a bit of a perplexed tiz right enough Derek.

    All those big cannon on the side of the powers that be, system of government and politics, caste, patronage, corporate backing, control of media saturation and strangely only an ever dwindling number of bods believe in their ‘status quo’ anymore.

    Its a mystery. 😀

  4. All based in Glasgow and the West. I’ve had one of them telling me today what Scotland would do in a Free Scotland.

  5. I love the cult insult (I said cult). It really does show how out of touch those perplexed at the rise of the SNP are. Lots of us are former Labour voters who are quite aware that there are areas that the SNP could do better on or could improve the delivery of message on. We are not blinded by some dazzling light.

    However, the SNP are more stable, more competent and tick more of the boxes that matter than any other party. As long as they continue in that vein they will continue to be popular. This isn’t rocket science. Labour are locked in some existential crisis over their very soul and the Liberals are just shockers. Why Ruth thinks the remaining Labour vote should go to the Tories when Cameron and Osborne are pushing the country into a right wing hell hole is beyond me. She may wave the Union flag but I am not convinced that over-rides the battering the Tories are inflicting on the poor and disadvantaged.

  6. “Normally people rely on being told by experts what to think and get confused by media reporting. Here they just get on with it and that threatens the jobs of academics and journalists.”

    The irony is that most people would love for both to be informed, objective and independent, so they could share their wisdom. Unfortunately, time and again, we see that both are not objective, not independent and tend to be ill-informed much of the time.

  7. Be careful in Bogland, Derek. People have been known to get sucked in and are never heard of again!

  8. In a cafe on Leith links. Not too many years ago big Tory, the John Major, made a triumphant appearance at Scottish Tory HQ on the other side of the Links. Them Tories are almost extinct now although the diminishing Labour share of the,”I’m alright Jock”, gene pool signals something to that other diminishing spieces, the MacCommentariat, and suggests something like a comeback…………….

    “Aye right”, cry the Unthinks as they smile benignly and do what they can to get on with progress.

    • Bijou? A good place to read your Sunday papers – and the food’s not bad either. Plug.
      Glad you mentioned Leith. Folks in Leith have always been pretty independent in their thinking. Anything from politely argumentative socialists, to the earthy honesty represented by pubs on Constitution Street, the Dockers club and the queen of Leith, Mary Moriarty. Or the upswung green vote on Leith Walk, and the Artsy people in the Drill Hall. They none of them kowtow to the party line.
      I’m sure you can replicate that across hundreds of communities.

  9. Don’t be afraid, Derek. There is no such thing as a Gruffalo.

  10. I vote without thinking. I admit it. When I go into that booth,I am pre programmed to vote for my nation not against it.

    Must be my parents fault for making me believe Scotland was a full time country, and not a pick and choose sweet shop nationality.

  11. Charles P. Kearney

    Well, it is ‘Unthink’ 1&2 for me–now that I think about it!

  12. Whenever you engage a blue or red Tory on any constitutional point they very quickly become angry and incoherent. I don’t think they have ever thought it through. They will carry on with Unthink and vote for their miserable anti Scottish blue or red tribe in May.

  13. Past tense of Rise is Rose. What a logo that would make. In Red, I think.

  14. We’re going to be in some state when we have this party
    I’ve got them bangy things and fizzy wine and shortbread all ready


  15. Urppp. Eh?

    I’m hungry, want spanners, munch munch.

    Urrrp. Yum yum.

  16. Of course it was ok to be an unthinker in the good old days, when you voted for ukokists, who approved of, and preferred that you were an unthinker.

    Now of coarse we are not thinking straight, voting for free prescriptions, New council houses, hospitals, schools, roads, bridges is
    well … unthinkable.

    Old unthinkers have become the new unthinkers, how very dare they.

  17. I am not brainwashed … Must vote twice for the Unthink Borg … Hive Queen Nicola Good … SNP Cult Not Bad … Click … Buzz … Power Source depletion … Click … Buzz … Must go recharge at Borg Hive HQ … SNP Cult Good … SNP Cult Good …

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