A draft of an article by a respected columnist was sent to us anonymously…any guesses who it might be?
‘In the words of Pliny the Elder…adminitio cybernatus servus rightis Caesar maximus spotonia. For those bereft of a classical education (Nationalists) I have an up-to-date translation gleaned from my Central Office Online Thesaurus. It is: Alex Salmond is a fud. As his biographer I can confirm that this view of the once-mighty First Minister chimes with my own informed opinion, bringing together the mind of an immortal Roman philosopher with my own.
Game set and match I think, but the Herald expects 800 words for their money so I’ll now attempt some scratchy justification for yet another anti-SNP tirade dressed up as analysis. Some people think I quote obscure historical figures to make me look clever but it’s simpler than that. The trouble is it’s really quite hard to keep coming with something original every week when I’m so busy elsewhere so I tend to fall back on tried and tested themes I can trot out with ease. (Should you be admitting this? Ed)
The Herald has never paid very much because the age of hiring genuine talent for decent cash is long gone. (You can say that again. Ed) They don’t expect much which makes it a dawdle although they’re now so short of actual sub editors, I have to proof read my own copy before it goes over the web to South Wales where they attach my huge photo. (The bigger it is, the less space I have to fill with words)
But what the cybernat critics forget is I’m pretty stretched these days with other commitments what with Alex Massie muscling in on the Scottish right wing writer gig and appearing in what should be my slots in the Mail (handsome payers) and the upmarket Spectator. But wait till my new book on classical interiors in New Town Edinburgh (Birlinn) comes out. It’ll blow them all away.
My theme today is that the SNP are not a radical party, not like Mrs Thatcher. They are boring, conventional, middle-of-the-road Church of bloody Scotland Highland dancing teuchters who take their holidays in a cottage in the East Neuk. But worse than that, they refuse to make any mistakes. They’re like the Bank of Scotland branch manager in Forfar High Street circa 1955 – dreary, efficient, trustworthy, well-liked and, in a limited way, successful.
That’s what Tories used to be when John Buchan was in his heyday. Ah, to think of such as Richard Hannay as Tory candidate for Argyll and Bute…dashing, windswept, true blue and utterly fucking British. (That’s enough. Ed)
You see it’s hard to stomach that there is no future for ambitious young-ish Tories in today’s scarified Scottish landscape. Time was when someone like me would be fighting off requests to stand in a winnable seat. Of course I would demur and bluster a bit until the blandishments got too much and I’d do my duty. But really, if Holyrood Regional Council is all that’s on offer, I’d rather not. I couldn’t be the showman like Tomkins and what’s the point of being too far down the Edinburgh list?
And it’s disappointing to say the least that the SNP won’t be goaded into putting up taxes as I’ve been advising for ages. David says it’s all part of the plan – starve the insurgents of money and force them to betray their true tax-and-spend instincts, leaving the way open for the dreadful Ruth person to be Tax Cutter Extraordinaire. (Must write something nice about her soon before anyone notices.)
So the Nats behave like Tories who are actually popular while having the gall to hoover up socialist votes too – and there’s nothing any of us can do to stop it.
I see that embarrassing lightweight Gardham finally cracked and went public admitting in effect he can’t compete against #SNPBAD. It was a fair go but really it’s because whatever he writes nobody takes him seriously. The real hashtag should be #SNPBADbutGardham10timesworse.
Of course I’m above engaging in twitter spats with goggle-eyed separatists. I’m on a different level from them with their handmade blog sites and amateur output. Best to ignore them altogether…unless I use the dreadful Wings person to publicise my column on Twitter as I did today. Or when I base last week’s column on BBC reject Bateman. Apart from that I never mention them. (You just did. Ed)
Anyway, I believe the government should be subject to scrutiny although I don’t think it’s appropriate to do the same to honest searchers after truth like columnists. Therefore next week I will ask why the government is dropping human rights, chasing away talented immigrants, impoverishing working people and concentrating spending in London. (You sure you’ve got the right government? Ed)by