I’m announcing today that I’ve been offered and have accepted a role writing for the Daily Mail. They’re looking for more diversity in their coverage and think I’ll provide balance. It still involves matching the house style of course so I’ll be away for a few weeks at the Rothermere Conference and Re-education Centre in Portugal to learn the ropes. I’m also being fitted for a uniform although I hear I might be the right size for Paul Dacre’s brown shirt.

I realise this will be a shock to regular readers but I will remain true to the principles of the Yes movement albeit with stylistic adjustments to include ‘vile cybernats’, ‘evil leader’, ‘lunatic economics’, immigrant crisis’ and ‘let the bastards drown’. Otherwise I will stay loyal to the cause.

The editor said my picture by-line would have the strapline Swivel-eyed Bigot, but I think that was a joke. He’s hoping I will finally produce my picture exclusive from inside Stuart Campbell’s hollowed-out volcano in Patagonia from where he plays the bullion markets.

I think my move is a sign that Scotland is moving on and that it’s time to go back to routinely denigrating our country and sneering at our people – in case the next generation gets ideas of adequacy. When I get back from Europe – the place the immigrants come from – I’ll keep you posted.



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82 thoughts on “Announcement

  1. Bloody hell!

    Mouth gaping.

    • Surely since it is the Mail, Bloody Heil! would be more appropriate?

      Enjoy your hols Derek, I sincerely hope there is more sun and warmth than is available in fair Caledonia the noo.

  2. Please don’t go!

  3. Enjoy your summer holiday, Derek!

  4. Assume this is a wind-up Derek! It is isn’t it?

    If it’s true then I won’t be reading-nothing, absolutely nothing would tempt me to read a Daily Mail 😉

  5. Steve Asaneilean

    I think this is what the media luvvies refer to as a “silly season” story abd about as true and accurate as the average Daily Mail front page.

    Enjoy Portugal – perhaps the friendliest people in Europe and the vehno verde is to die for.

    But don’t leave us in the lurch too long – it’s barely ten months till the Scottish Parliament elections and we need your insight and wisdom.

  6. Katrine Paterson.

    Very funny Derek! As a man of principle, I’m sure you wouldn’t be writing for that rag at any price.
    Ardnamurchan is calling.

  7. Naughty!

  8. You’re definitely in need of a holiday Derek. Enjoy

  9. You should not be having anything to do with the vile anti-Scottish Daily Mail or any other Unionist rags that continually rub Scotlands nose in it. They are the enemy Derek.

  10. I told you the moon was made of green cheese …

  11. Scott Borthwick

    Despite ongoing austerity, you have doubled our normal quota of All Fool’s Days.

    Many thanks. I needed a laugh after reading a Stephen Glover column.

  12. Remember your training young Jedi. 😀 LOL

  13. hohoho… Have a good holiday!

  14. Welcome bit of news . Now we need Rev Stuart Campbell writing editorials for the Torygraph , Jim Sillars editing the Express and Leslie Riddoch replacing Jackie Bird at the Beeb.

  15. robert graham

    The schools are out and you are pissin off then , say hello to call me dave if you happen to bump into him on his way back from getting f/all from his friends in Europe, its unfortunate there is no internet access at your destination of choice, Who have you nominated as a stand in ? Jackie the burd was rumored to be looking for alternative employment any truth in this leak ? I am sure she would be a welcome guest moderator, can we have a vote on this ?

  16. thomaspotter2014

    From the Daily Mail’s if you can’t beat them-buy them.

    Hope the 30 pieces of silver are worth your soul.

    Deary deary me.

  17. I for one would like to welcome our new brownshirted, cybernatic overlord.

  18. FFS folks. I know it feels like April…

  19. Happy hols derek.

    Your due a wee break. Portugal is nice too. Thanks for the blog and mind we lesser mortals are waiting your return. 🙂

  20. Mam Battenberg Windsor

    I’m very glad you have seen the error of your ways and I hope your re-education program works out well. Evil, devious, blasphemous, socialist, criminal, cybernattery must be stamped out. Our internet activities must be as clean and polite as the activities of a dedicated, loyal member of the Scottish Branch of the Labour party. We must learn again to look up to these people and accept and understand that they have a divine right to be elected.

  21. Good luck Derek. I am glad. Cin ye get me joab as well?

    I’m sure you’ll do us proud, as usual, but I still won’t buy the Daily Wail, basturts.

  22. Disgusting. Disgraceful. Pathetic. That’s that then.

  23. Are people actually believing this wind up? 🙂

    • Duncan Mitchell

      Very good Derek. You can fool some of the people…
      but not me.
      I havent posted here since last year but follow your every contribution.
      Well done.

  24. Nice try, Derek. Have another beer. 😀

  25. I don’t believe anything I read these days without checking with Stu… leader of the free people… Campbell!

    Happy hols Derek. 😀

  26. Gavin C Barrie

    Rumour has it Ms Hopkins has an apartment there. Check it out! Gotta be a team player.

  27. I always knew they were fools; they’ve really done it now do they realise the potential damage to their reputation taking you on. People could start confusing the Mail with respectable and credible daily newspapers.

  28. You’d best make it a holiday because you’ll never last on that dreadful “news” paper! Look forward to your return.

  29. Oh dear! Reading between these lines defeats me 🙁

  30. Now if you had spoofed it as going to work for the BBC….

  31. Looking forward to hearing that the Mail is not systematically biased, just a little short of resources.

  32. Took years off my life reading that first sentence! Enjoy your break. 🙂

  33. Mind. Boggles.

    I got to the start of the second line, to the words “Daily Mail” to be precise, before I was quite, completely, 100% sure this was a spoof. I berated myself for being that slow on the uptake.

    Yes, I know, it’s not original. It’s not even particularly difficult to do. But it’s still quite funny when it’s done well. I particularly liked “Swivel-eyed Bigot”.

    So to find people below the line actually thinking it’s serious, or even doubting for a moment that it might be serious – I despair of human cognition. I’m going to live in Stuart Campbell’s hollowed-out volcano, where he’s offered me a job maintaining his block list, on a salary of whatever I can find in the sweary-box.

  34. Thomas Brotherston

    Don’t even joke about this Derek. Many of your readers will not share my experience of having an old comrade of mine surprising us all by writing for the Sun( no names no pack drill) Irony is a dangerous toy.

  35. Irony? You call this irony? I think it goes way beyond irony. We are into The Tin Drum territory I.e.. surreal. Enjoy your holiday!

  36. Adam Davidson

    I think he is making a point as well as a bit of a laugh.

  37. The jig is up!
    We’re all doomed!
    The(y) Daily Fail!
    (in)The Daily Heil!
    Our Daily Hell!

    Have a nice hoaliday Derek and work on your BBC addiction – you can beat it! ;o)

  38. There are a few of us around that really don’t like news and we are very grateful that we have the Daily Mail. They must have lost the plot if they are going to employ a journalist.

  39. we’ve been here before Derek,
    Im not falling for it this time though,
    still smarting from the last time, ouch!

  40. Have great holiday

  41. Good spoof Derek. Pity it’s not going to happen in the real world though. You’d have made an excellent SNP-sympathiser fifth columnist, operating within the ranks of the Daily Heil Gestapo! Enjoy your Portuguese holiday.

  42. So witty, humour to add to the pithiness you offer, both of which the MSM could so do with, Derek. Sadly you’re characterisation here, in terms of the (otherwise) tongue-in-cheek view of the mainstream UK media is so close to the reality, that one can only laugh to save oneself the bother of weeping at the state of play therein.

  43. Derek
    Enjoy your Hols weather must be better than what were suffering here…..

    quote vronsky

    “Looking forward to hearing that the Mail is not systematically biased, just a little short of resources”

    Tut Tut, talk about Cynical

  44. I’m frankly appalled at this announcement, Derek. If you really need the money, fair enough, but don’t delude yourself – or try to fool us – that this betrayal is an altruistic attempt to bring “balance and diversity” to the “Daily Heil”! Legendary UCS leader, Jimmy Reid, used the same, disastrous, political defence with his “Heineken manoeuvre” (you know the advert). Indeed, “Comrade” Reid felt he was, uniquely, qualified to “reach the parts” of the working-class (who moved their lips when reading the “SUN”) that other politicians couldn’t.
    As a former FOC (Shop-Steward) in the Daily Record Pressroom Chapel, I can assure you that “Comrade” Reid’s sell-out to Rupert Murdoch was like a knife to the heart of all unionised printworkers – especially, those who had been viciously attacked by mounted Police at Wapping or Military-trained “snatch-squads” at Eddie Shah’s “Warrington Messenger”. I still don’t know what was worse: Jimmy Reid writing for the “Scareaway” SUN – or, him asking then “Labour Leader” and Welsh-windbag, Neil Kinnochio, for permission to do so?!
    Anyhoo, I am truly saddened that you have decided to take this route, Derek – you have, deservedly, built up a sizeable and loyal following over the course of the referendum campaign – but, I fear you have just gone and blown the whole lot away! I would wish you luck Derek – but, I HATE all things Daily Mail. Goodbye.

    • I heartily agree, but apparently we are just easily taken in and Derek is pulling our leg. Amused? No, me neither. I look forward to his return and finding out whether he has sold out big time, or if he just has a stupid sense of humour and enjoys annoying people.

      • Irene, don’t you bother yourself with all these “hilarious” clever cccc…logs who maintain WE are the gullible ones – this is a common feature of the inexperienced and “trusting” commentator who has never suffered a major betrayal from someone they thought incorruptible. I have seen bigger and better men than Derek Bateman “jump the dyke” and become part of the establishment; either for “honours” and/or filthy lucre – from “life-long socialists” and trade unionists who became Lords and Ladies of the Realm or company directors/managers, who “rationalised” their treachery before turning on and “shafting” their class; former colleagues and workmates!
        Yes, I WAS gullible – I didn’t for a minute believe that Jimmy Reid would turn on his old comrade, Mick McGahey and the NUM OR have a feature column in the SUN “newspaper”. I didn’t believe it when Gordon Brown “the socialist” and editor of “The Red Paper on Scotland” – who wrote a biography about “Red Clydesider” James Maxton – would later become part of the New Labour “experiment” which turned Labour into a Tory Party Mark ll. Aye, who’da thought “a Labour Government” would engage in an illegal war in Iraq; all of that was “impossible” – just like the bit about “Labour” being wiped-out in Scotland!?
        So, IF this “Announcement” IS all a “cunning ruse” – it’s a particularly sick one. Enjoy your chuckle – but, remember, you may be laughing on the other side of your face: treachery and betrayal are always just around the corner; or am I just being cynically gullible?

        • No, you (and I) have seen people we trusted let us down, and badly. My point is that whatever the outcome of this farce is, I won’t be reading his column, and will take my gullible nature elsewhere. If he thinks it funny to make the claim to work for the Daily Mail, this isn’t a person I want to hear from. If he is working for the Daily Mail, this isn’t a person I want to hear from ever again.
          Thanks very much for responding and good luck to you.

          • Irene, “Many a true word said in jest” comes to mind. Or, perhaps, in Derek’s case “in vino veritas” is more appropriate – given his penchant for Burgundy? I have no doubts that Derek HAS been contacted by various “organs of the establishment” to “theoretically” give “his take” on the recent independence referendum and the state of Scottish politics – but, in reality, what they REALLY want to do, is to compromise and destroy his standing within the pro-independence, anti-austerity groups, perhaps, with an extremely lucrative offer?
            I have felt, for over a month now, that Derek’s stance on Be-BC Scotland – and its masters in the “Scottish” branch of New Labour – has significantly “softened”. Indeed, I thought he may well have been offered a BBC “comeback” given that ONE of the managerial arseholes, John Boothman, has been given the boot – sorry, “promoted” out of the disaster area we all know as “Pathetic” Quay.
            But, let’s see if this “Daily Heil” announcement has been “naught but a ruse”. If so, I intend to find out WTF he was thinking; if not, I’m with you, Irene – I’ll never read another word he writes. So, please stick with it until we know the truth and have, at least, been furnished with a reasonable excuse for his actions. Awrabest meantime.

        • You are just being whatever. Take it as it was intended. If you had any real doubts about this all you had to do was check out the website of the Rothermere Conference and Re-education Centre in Portugal.

          • John, I’ve felt the same about him backpeddling lately, so we’ll see what develops. I’m away to make some dinner, and all the best to you too. A like mind… great!

    • Do you know that they have removed the word “gullible” from the English dictionary?

      • My niece fell for that one – she went and checked!!!

      • Seriously, Bryan?? Okay, I guess if that’s your idea of ‘biting wit’ then maybe you do find Mr Bateman’s article amusing. But I feel he’s the one whose had the proverbial ‘sense of humour bypass’, not posters like IreneHMackenzie and others on here who, like me, found the word ‘humour’ in the definition of ‘spoof’ when we checked our dictionaries. I’m amazed that an experienced journalist like Derek Bateman doesn’t know better than to bite the hand which, if not exactly feeding him, clicks on to his website – and expects better of him, not least to understand the rawness of the nerve he was touching. That much must now be clear to him from some of the comments he’s received. The details of the article may not have been true, but there’s nothing false about the sense of betrayal and dismay from the people posting those comments. So, Derek, ‘spoof’ if you must, but choose your subject matter more carefully – and, perhaps even more importantly, make it funny? Enjoy the holiday in Portugal, I think you need it!

        • Fraser, In my humble opinion, if someone does not see any humour in this then that is just fine. We all find different things funny but if anyone actually believed it then they really need to get out a wee bit more. Just for them I have written to the appropriate authorities to request that the word “gullible” is reintroduced to the dictionary. :o)

          After what has gone on in the last couple of years people actually believed that Derek Bateman was to be employed by the Daily Mail?

          Deary me!

  45. Had me worried for a line or two there, Derek. Enjoy your holiday.

  46. Full Definition of IRONY

    1: a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony

    2 (a): the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning
    (b): a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony
    (c): an ironic expression or utterance

    3 (a) (1): incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2): an event or result marked by such incongruity
    (b): incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

  47. Thank God he’s away. Always coming in and telling us about how the Mail would pay him much more, and how he would get a bigger chair than we could give him. By the time he’s finished in “Portugal” it’ll be straight back to rehab.

  48. At an SNP constutuency meeting this evening, one of the local councillors told the assembled company that Derek had taken on a Daily Mail column. About three people in the audience informed him of the spoof nature of the article. He went off vowing to have words with his wife, who (he said) had read the article and swallowed it hook, line, sinker and rowboat, before passing the news on to him.

    I don’t get it. More of this above. What is wrong with people?

  49. Just for a second there…oh, and shouldn’t it be a ‘black’ shirt? Hurrah for the Blackshirts!

  50. How can you even consider working along side those despicable right wing anti-Scottish cretins Kezia Dugdale and Blair McDougal?

    You ought to be ashamed. 🙂

  51. You’ve got a lot of catching up to do Derek. Hope you had a good holiday. 🙂

  52. Hi Derek,

    How long do you get for your holidays now you are self employed ?

    I really miss you analysis and the debate I am getting withdrawal symptoms.

  53. Anyone any idea where this guys gone?:)

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