I’m announcing today that I’ve been offered and have accepted a role writing for the Daily Mail. They’re looking for more diversity in their coverage and think I’ll provide balance. It still involves matching the house style of course so I’ll be away for a few weeks at the Rothermere Conference and Re-education Centre in Portugal to learn the ropes. I’m also being fitted for a uniform although I hear I might be the right size for Paul Dacre’s brown shirt.
I realise this will be a shock to regular readers but I will remain true to the principles of the Yes movement albeit with stylistic adjustments to include ‘vile cybernats’, ‘evil leader’, ‘lunatic economics’, immigrant crisis’ and ‘let the bastards drown’. Otherwise I will stay loyal to the cause.
The editor said my picture by-line would have the strapline Swivel-eyed Bigot, but I think that was a joke. He’s hoping I will finally produce my picture exclusive from inside Stuart Campbell’s hollowed-out volcano in Patagonia from where he plays the bullion markets.
I think my move is a sign that Scotland is moving on and that it’s time to go back to routinely denigrating our country and sneering at our people – in case the next generation gets ideas of adequacy. When I get back from Europe – the place the immigrants come from – I’ll keep you posted.